How Bad Do You Want It?

I want to ask you one very simple question.


I don’t know what “it” looks like for you but I want to know how bad you want it. Because, based on some conversations I’ve had earlier in the week, I can’t help but think that the answer to that question is “not bad enough.”

I mean, it is amazing to me how many men will message me, text me, email me, call me about their relationship problems, their spare tire, their bank account, the failing business and, when I give advice and/or suggestions about what to do about it, they come up with an excuse.

You are a liar. Admit that. Just admit that you are a liar. If you want something and you don’t have it, you’re lying! Or, you’re working towards it and, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on that one.

Before, you get your panties in a bunch though, I want you to know that I am a liar too. We all are. It’s human nature to shift blame and responsibility to someone or something else.

But, at the end of the day, all that shifting DOES NOT move us closer to the goal of deeper connections, thriving businesses, larger bank account, bigger muscles, or anything else we may be after.

And, if you really want something – I mean REALLY want something (the woman, the money, the business, the body) – you are going to have to do MORE than what you’re currently doing.

You’re going to have to look yourself in the mirror and say, “Ryan, you are a liar. The reason you don’t have what you want is because you shift blame, responsibility, and accountability to everyone else. The reason you don’t have what you want is because you’re soft and weak, and you look for excuses every chance you get. The reason you don’t have what you want is because when things get a little tough, you run like a scared little boy.”

That’s what you’re going to have to tell yourself.

Look gentlemen, I get it. That’s not an easy conversation to have. It’s not easy to say you are inadequate, you suck at something, or you’re not good enough but, if you want it bad enough, you’ll do it.

It was painful when my wife left and I found myself crying in an empty room looking at the picture of my one-year old son at the time and saying, “I’ll get you back.”

It was difficult when my wife told me she didn’t like having sex with me because I was too fat.

It was difficult when I got stomped on for two years in my financial planning business while this broke man was trying to tell others what to do with their money.

It was difficult when I looked in the mirror and told myself that the reason I was unhappy is because I’d never lived a life of courage and fear dictated every decision I made, or lack thereof.

It was difficult. All of it. Life.

It’s still is difficult.

But, isn’t that kind of the point? You and I are here to learn – to learn skills, and use our gifts, and go through trials, and teach ourselves how to rise from the ashes that once consumed us.

That is the point.

It’s the refiner’s fire that makes you who you are. You can let it consume and destroy you or you can emerge stronger than you were before.

But, in order to do that – in order to overcome the things that hold you back you’re going to have to first, get your expectations right.


Somewhere along the way, we started believing and the world started to convince us that life is supposed to be easy. That it’s supposed to be comfortable. And, if all the pieces are coming together just perfectly, you’re weird, or jacked up, or a loser.

It’s perpetuated by the internet gurus who lie to you to sell a product. It’s perpetuated by Facebook when they introduce a new filter to make your arms look just a little bigger than they really are. It’s perpetuated by your neighbor John who just bought a new boat but he didn’t find it convenient to tell you that he can’t even make his mortgage payment let alone the boat that’s going to be repo’d in 45 days.

When you set the right expectations – not the fake B.S. we buy into in this digital age – you’re more cable of overcoming what might work to hold you back because you recognize the enemy (you can learn more about what I’ll talking about if you listen to last week’s Friday Field Notes).

You recognize that it exists and you know exactly what it’s going to take to get there.

It going to take some long nights. As I was getting this project, Order of Man, up and running I stayed up until midnight most nights and woke up at four in the morning because I had a full-time day job.

When I was trying to salvage my marriage and get my wife and son back in my life, I sacrificed a ton of time, energy, money, and resources, figuring out how to be a better husband and father.

When I was trying to lose the 50lbs I managed to acquire, I had to jump on the scale and tell myself the truth about how bad it had actually gotten and I had to go to the gym, every single day.

Guys, there is no magic pill, formula, product, service, or whatever that is going to save you. There’s only you.

But, guess what? YOU ARE ENOUGH.

You already have everything you need to be successful. You just can’t see it because you’re too busy lying to yourself about how horrible your wife is and that’s why you’re marriage is failing.

You’re too busy lying to yourself that the reason you aren’t in shape is because you’re “big boned.”
You’re too busy lying to yourself that the reason you don’t have any money in your account is because Obama or Trump aren’t doing what they’re supposed to be doing as president.

You’re too busy lying to yourself that the reason you haven’t started your side business is because you don’t have time.

What if you spent all that time fabricating excuses to keep yourself safe and redirected towards the objective you’ve been dreaming about for years and, sometimes, a lifetime?

What if, instead of complaining or pretending to try really hard, you actually did the relentless, thankless work required to succeed at the level you talk so much about?

Gentlemen, it’s going to take a clear set of expectations. It’s going to take sacrifice. It’s going to take discipline. It’s going to take commitment. And, it’s going to take literal blood, sweat, and tears to make your dream a reality.

But, if you want it bad enough that’s exactly what you’ll do!


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1 Comment

  1. May 19, 2017 at 5:42 pm

    I love the point you made about not having what you want because you are not doing enough. It is so easy to blame other people or circumstances. When in actuality it is us who are not doing everything we can to pursue our goals.