Forging Noble Manhood | STEPHEN MANSFIELD

If you didn’t believe in the inherent value of masculinity, you wouldn’t be here listening to this podcast. But you are so I know that you believe in the message to reclaim and restore masculinity in a world that has been constantly distorting what it means to be a man, undermining the value men bring to society, and signing masculinity off as a socially constructed and antiquated behavior of men.

That’s why the conversation I have with repeat guest, Stephen Mansfield is so crucial. He has been championing noble manhood for years and I could not be more honored than to call him a friend.

Today, we talk about the culture of men, the critical importance of a man’s legacy, the fire of heritage, rituals, a man’s warrior spirit, and why we must all fight to forge noble manhood.

[quote cite='Stephen Mansfield' align='none']"A man who is self-defined is defined by a fool." Tweet That[/quote]

Stephen Mansfield

Stephen Mansfield

My guest today is my good friend and repeat guest, Stephen Mansfield. As I said previously, he has been a champion of noble manhood for years and has been a huge support and advocate for what we’re doing here at Order of Man. In fact, he was gracious enough to write a powerful testimony for my book, Sovereignty: The Battle for the Hearts and Minds of Men.

Stephen is a political commentator, founder of Greatmen.tv, and New York Times Bestselling author and has written many incredible books including, Mansfield’s Book of Manly Men, Building Your Band of Brothers, and his latest (which he is here to talk with us about today), Men on Fire.

[quote cite='Stephen Mansfield' align='none']"I don’t want to turn off the rough nurturing I’ve had in my life. It’s what’s made me who I am." Tweet That[/quote]

Show Highlights

[quote cite='Stephen Mansfield' align='none']"The culture of men needs to happen away from women." Tweet That[/quote]

LEGACY

Fathers, on September 3rd-6th we’re going to be hosting our first-ever Legacy experience in Maine.

You and your son (between the ages of 8-15) are going to come to my property to be pushed to the max physically, mentally, and emotionally. And, all of it is designed to equip you and your boy with the tools needed to thrive in the crazy world in which we live.

If you’re anything like me, ensuring your son becomes the man he is capable of becoming is what keeps you at night more than anything else. And, when you come to the Legacy experience on September 3rd-6th, you’re going to be working alongside me and my boys and 19 other fathers/sons to ensure you have everything you need to help your boy become a man.

If you want to learn more and lock in your spot, go to www.orderofman.com/legacy.

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From the Archives: Stephen Mansfield

Our From the Archive series offers a detailed look at selected previous podcasts in order to give you a fresh take on the episode as well as some actionable notes.

Order of Man Podcast #38: Stephen Mansfield.  Originally broadcast in December 2015.

Who is Stephen Mansfield?

He’s a NYT bestselling author as well as an in-demand public speaker. He was first known for writing and speaking about history, leadership, and the forces that shape our culture, but more and more the subject of men and manliness has been his focus, which is why we wanted to speak with him.

Why did he start writing about manliness?

Stephen did a lot of speaking on college campuses and after a lot of those lectures he would end up out with some of the young men to have a drink and talk more deeply about the issues at hand.  Those conversations inevitably led to the issue of manliness in today’s society and often these men would say to Stephen, “Just tell me what to do (to be a man).”  There was such a hunger and need and desire for this topic that Stephen felt called to write and talk about this.

Ryan shared that often he is asked, “Why you?” about the Order of Man project and he shares the same sentiment with Stephen, which is, “I’m not the expert - I’m just willing to put myself out there and share what works and what doesn’t.”  Reinforcements are not arriving.  We are the reinforcements.

Why is manliness such a “hot topic” these days?

The current models and definitions for manhood are failing.  One particular theory/model was the “gorilla theory of men,” which postulates that society needed men when the West needed to be tamed, and railroads needed to be built, and hay needed to be baled, but these sorts of roles are no longer needed, so men are, like gorillas, relegated to the corner of the cage, lost, bored, and eating bananas.  We see this reinforced in popular culture in which men are lampooned as clueless oafs.

We still need to protect and provide

However, before we protect and provide, we need to examine ourselves and understand how we are made.  “Men are more oriented towards DOING than FEELING,” noted Mansfield.  “Manly men do manly things,” he continued, “and it is those deeds that gets him engaged rather than the emotional management that society tells him is the essence of manhood.”

Tell us more about Manly Men doing Manly things…

Those manly things are things like personal development, watching out for those around them, bonding with other men, and protecting those in their care, be they family, friends, or even simply people in a community.  In particular, men having a team - men he can bond with - allows him to come back into relationships with women energized.  That “manly” time with other men helps create a consciousness of “other” in relation to women that can lead to more intentionality in everyday interactions.

A Band of Brothers

Mansfield noted that not only do we not know about manhood anymore, but we don’t how to communicate and celebrate it.  We must have rituals that do this - if you don’t have such a thing you can create it.  Here at Order of Man we have events like our Uprisings that specifically try to address this issue.

That band of brothers that you forge should be built in a “free fire zone,” in which each member is given freedom to say whatever you need to in order to help each other be better men.  “Manly men build manly men.”  This means there has to be openness and vulnerability in these relationships, but growth can’t happen if walls are still up.

Final thoughts...

Remember, this article series is meant to simply highlight a few of the things covered in a particular episode and there’s a lot more of value in this one, including Stephen’s “Damascus experience” that fundamentally changed his outlook on manliness and building a band of brothers, his thoughts on the real reason that men serve in the military (hint: it’s not about “fighting for freedom”), and how he sees the glory of God as integral to manhood.  You can connect with Stephen on his website or on twitter.  Take a moment to thank him for his time!

This From the Archive episode was handpicked by our founder, Ryan Michler, from over 100 episodes, all of which you can find here.  If this article or episode helped you, please consider writing a review for us on iTunes, as that will allow more men to find out about our work.  Now stop reading and start doing!

Building Your Band of Brothers with Stephen Mansfield

Building a "Band of Brothers." It's something we hear a lot about but few of us, as men, actually take the time to do it. We all know no man is an island but, how do you actually enlist the help of the men around you?

Today I talk with New York Times Bestselling Author, Stephen Mansfield about identifying men who will help you on your journey, how to approach them, some common pitfalls to avoid, and how you can be successful on your quest to build your Band of Brothers.

[quote cite='Stephen Mansfield' align='none']"We cannot become the man we're meant to be alone." Tweet That[/quote]

Stephen Mansfield

Stephen MansfieldStephen Mansfield is a New York Times bestselling author and a popular speaker who advises leaders worldwide. He is also a regular commentator on FOX News and CNN.

He first rose to global attention with his groundbreaking book The Faith of George W. Bush, an enormous bestseller that Time magazine credited with helping to shape the 2004 U.S. presidential election. The book was also a source for Oliver Stone’s award-winning film “W“. Mansfield’s The Faith of Barack Obama was another international bestseller. He has written celebrated biographies of Booker T. Washington, George Whitefield, Winston Churchill, Pope Benedict XVI, and Abraham Lincoln, among others. Publishers Weeklydescribed his book, Killing Jesus, as “masterful.”

Stephen’s humorous but fiery Mansfield’s Book of Manly Men has inspired men’s events around the world. His more recent The Miracle of the Kurds has been selected as “Book of the Year” by Rudaw, the leading Kurdish news service. As a result of this book, Mansfield has become a leading voice in support of the Kurds against the evils of ISIS in the Middle East.

Stephen speaks widely about men, leadership, faith, the lessons of history, and the forces that shape modern culture. He is also a much in-demand leadership advisor whose firm, The Mansfield Group, is located in Washington DC.

[quote cite='Stephen Mansfield' align='none']"The goal of a Band of Brothers is to create a 'free-fire zone.'" Tweet That[/quote]

Show Highlights and What You'll Learn

[quote cite='Stephen Mansfield' align='none']"[Your band of brothers] is not a therapy group. This is a bunch of guys doing life together." Tweet That[/quote]

LINKS AND RESOURCES MENTIONED

 

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OoM 038: What Makes a Man "Manly" with Stephen Mansfield

What does it mean to be a man? It's a question I've asked all 38 podcast guests up to this point. And, it's a question that is difficult to answer.

My guest today, Stephen Mansfield, breaks it down piece by piece as he talks about rites of passage, the need for excitement and adventure in men's lives, and how to build a band of brothers.

[quote cite='Stephen Mansfield' align='none']"We're living in a time where manhood is failing more than ever." Tweet That[/quote]

Meet Stephen Mansfield

Stephen Mansfield

Stephen Mansfield is a New York Times bestselling author and a popular speaker who advises leaders worldwide. He is also a regular commentator on FOX News and CNN.

He first rose to global attention with his groundbreaking book The Faith of George W. Bush, an enormous bestseller that Time magazine credited with helping to shape the 2004 U.S. presidential election. The book was also a source for Oliver Stone’s award-winning film "W". Mansfield's The Faith of Barack Obama was another international bestseller. He has written celebrated biographies of Booker T. Washington, George Whitefield, Winston Churchill, Pope Benedict XVI, and Abraham Lincoln, among others. Publishers Weekly described his book, Killing Jesus, as "masterful."

Stephen's humorous but fiery Mansfield's Book of Manly Men has inspired men's events around the world. His more recent The Miracle of the Kurds has been selected as "Book of the Year" by Rudaw, the leading Kurdish news service. As a result of this book, Mansfield has become a leading voice in support of the Kurds against the evils of ISIS in the Middle East.

Stephen speaks widely about men, leadership, faith, the lessons of history, and the forces that shape modern culture. He is also a much in-demand leadership advisor whose firm, The Mansfield Group, is located in Washington DC.

 

[quote cite='Stephen Mansfield' align='none']"If a man doesn't understand how he's made and what he needs and who he is, he's not going to be satisfied." Tweet That[/quote]

What You'll Be Learning

[quote cite='Stephen Mansfield' align='none']"Men need some controlled wildness in their lives." Tweet That[/quote]

4 Manly Maxims

[quote cite='Stephen Mansfield' align='none']"To be a man is to own your "field" before God." Tweet That[/quote]

Resources Mentioned

Connect with Stephen Mansfield

VIC BLENDS | Turning Your Struggles Into Strengths

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You guys have heard me talk a lot about our role as protectors, providers, and presiders not only within the walls of our home but in our communities as well. Not only do we have the opportunity to give back to those in need, we have a moral obligation to do so, especially if we have the means to do it.

My guest today is a man who is doing exactly that. His name is Victor Fontanez (you may know him as Vic Blends) and he has made a name for himself through offering practical life advice for the young men he gives haircuts to as he serves his community in Atlanta. Vic is 22 years old but you’re going to hear so much incredible wisdom come from him. I was honestly taken back by how much this man inspired me to do and be better myself.

[quote cite='Vic Blends' align='none']"Who do we have to look up to?" Tweet That[/quote]

Vic Blends

vic blends

My guest today is Victor Fontanez (VicBlends). He’s a 22-year-old entrepreneur from a small town in North Carolina who has gained national attention for his approach to the reaching the young men in Atlanta.

A lot of you may have seen him on social media with a presence of over 10,000,000 on IG and TikTok. He started cutting hair in his mom’s garage but is quickly becoming one of the most renowned celebrity barbers and business moguls in the county.

But, more importantly than all of that, Vic has an incredible heart to serve men and has been working to establish the very first barber school in the California State Penitentiary to give these men a chance to contribute to society and live a meaningful life. Enjoy.

[quote cite='Vic Blends' align='none']"Time doesn’t equal loyalty at the end of the day." Tweet That[/quote]

Show Highlights

[quote cite='Vic Blends' align='none']"You’ve gotta forgive to move forward." Tweet That[/quote]

ManUncaged

Gents, it may not come as a surprise to you, but I believe that society at large is dead-set on undermining, ridiculing, and dismissing masculinity at every turn. And, as you know, I’ve been hell-bent on correcting that problem.

So much so that I decided to enlist the help of some incredible men – Bedros Keuilian, John Lovell, Tanner Guzy, Jack Donovan, Stephen Mansfield and Matt Beaudreau to name a few – in the mission to reclaim and restore masculinity.

So, all of us (and more) are going to be hosting our first-ever ManUncaged event on May 7th, 2022. I know it’s short notice but if you can make it, I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

We only have limited seats so please get registered ASAP at ManUncaged.com

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Connect with Vic Blends

Sovereignty: The Battle for the Hearts and Minds of Men

Every man is born with just one thing: his sovereignty—his power to respond to his environment and his circumstances. Unfortunately, most men have spent much of their lives giving away that sovereignty. Every time a man passes blame or shirks his responsibility, every time he makes excuses for his performance, and every time he trades his unlimited potential for a little perceived safety and security, he willingly submits himself to the mercy of others.

Purchase your signed copy at the Order of Man Store

Also available on Amazon or Indigo (Canada)

 

[quote cite='Stephen Mansfield, PhD, New York Times Bestselling Author' align='none']"There are those who speak only of what they have heard. Then there are those who speak of what they have earned in dark nights of the soul and sacrifices too numerous to name. Ryan Michler is in this latter category. He teaches us to reclaim what we have lost and he does so as one who has battled himself to win himself again. I need him in my life and so do you."[/quote]

Is it any wonder that men, in general, seem to have lost their way? You don’t have to look very far to recognize that men don’t seem to possess the same amount of vigor and purpose they once did. Take one sobering statistic—the rate of suicide in men—and you begin to see how damaging the effects of the voluntary subjugation of men to their families, their businesses, and their governments can be.

It’s not hard to understand why we give up control to others—it’s easy and we’re expected to. Sovereignty: The Battle for the Hearts and Minds of Men is a call for men to once again rise up and establish themselves as they once were—a revolution if you will.

[quote cite='Andy Frisella, Founder of 1st Phorm and the MFCEO' align='none']"You are 100% in charge of your life and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you'll get what you want. Ryan Michler is a man who not only understands this but applies the principles of sovereignty in his own life. It's easy to talk a big game. It's infinitely harder to see it through. Ryan is a man who delivers."[/quote]

Inside the pages of this book, we’ll uncover the battle each man will inevitably engage in, the external forces fighting against the call to masculinity, and the internal struggle all men must overcome.

But make no mistake, this revolution is not a call for men to go their own way and rally against society. It’s a call for men to become fully the men they are meant to be so they may more adequately take care of themselves and those they are responsible for. Men have always been expected to protect, provide, and preside over themselves, their families, their businesses, and their communities. By embodying the thirteen Sovereign Virtues we detail inside, every man will be more capable of fulfilling his masculine duties and responsibilities.

The words in this book go well beyond principle and theory, however, as we build the framework for establishing a battle plan to combat the external and internal threats to our masculine power and give every man the tools, resources, guidance, direction, and ability to reclaim what has always been his: his sovereignty.

[quote cite='Clint Emerson, Navy SEAL and New York Times Bestselling Author' align='none']"Ryan identifies man's invisible restraints with his own life's challenges and delivers exactly how to escape with raw, yet humble solutions. Sovereignty is more than a self-help book, it's a self-assault to a better life."[/quote]

5 Books Every Man Should Read in 2018

It’s been said that, “The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.” I believe that’s true. We have so much access to the world’s greatest minds and thinkers and all we have to do is tap into those minds through the power of their written words.

I didn’t always think so highly of reading. In high school, I would do whatever I could to get out of reading and doing book reports. In fact, the only book I remember reading was The Old Man and the Sea which is, of course, a classic. But now, I read at least 50 books per year. I make it an objective of mine to read one per week.

I get a lot of questions about how I’m able to do this and, although that’s not the subject of today’s podcast, I do want to tell you it’s very simple. I commit to reading for at least 30 minutes per day. Every single one of us have 30 extra minutes in the day and, if there’s one thing you can do to spend that time most effectively, it’s reading. Again, you’re tapping into the most powerful minds and ideas in the history of this planet. Incredible.

So, with that said – and just in time for the holidays and last minute Christmas shopping – let me share with you five books that are an absolute must on that list of 50 I would suggest you read. Keep in mind that these are in no particular order.

As a Man Thinketh by James Allen


This book is my most recommended and gifted book because, if you get this right, everything else will fall into place. As a Man Thinketh was written in 1903 but the insights shared are as relevant today as they were more than 100 years ago.

It was described by James Allen as covering “the power of thought, and particularly with the use and application of thought to happy and beautiful issues. I have tried to make the book simple, so that all can easily grasp and follow its teaching, and put into practice the methods which it advises. It shows how, in his own thought-world, each man holds the key to every condition, good or bad, that enters into his life, and that, by working patiently and intelligently upon his thoughts, he may remake his life, and transform his circumstances.”

It’s a very quick and powerful read and I personally read it 3-4 times per year and keep a copy on my desk.

If you feel like you need to get your mind right about the situation you find yourself in, this is the book for you.

Iron John by Robert Bly


This is a really interesting book and one that I may not really mention of fall into my usual category of books but it is such a powerful read. Essentially it’s Bly’s look into what it means to be a man from his work with men.

It’s written as a story in which a young man is guided through the transition into a mature man. It cover the archetypes of masculinity and cause you to think about your role and responsibility as a man and, of course, how we show up in this world.

Mansfield’s Book of Manly Men by Stephen Mansfield


Another one of my favorites, Stephen Mansfield breaks down four masculine maxims in this book and really lays the framework for the way good and honorable men show up in all areas of their lives.

I personally know Stephen and I can tell you that this is a man who lives by the words he shares and has become a friend over the past couple of years. This isn’t necessary why I share the book with you because I found this book and have recommended it well before I knew Stephen.

You can listen to my first interview with Stephen Mansfield at www.orderofman.com/038 where we dive into the details and additional questions about Mansfield’s Book of Manly Men.

Wild at Heart by John Eldredge


Wild at Heart is one of my all-time favorite books. It does have a Christian undertone which won’t be a problem for many of you but any man can gain so much insight about what it means to be a man in the first place and why we act and behave the way we do.

For me, one of the most important conversations that is brought up in the book is the idea that boys and men are on a constant journey to answer the question, “Am I enough?”

It was written in 2001 and it’s amazing to me how much “staying power” this book has although, after reading it, it’s not really hard to see why.

It answer a lot of questions for me about my background, why I feel the way I do, why I’ve felt in adequate for a lot of my life, and is a call to return to our masculine roots in a society that seems to, more and more, want to do away with masculinity all together.

As a side note, I had an interview with the author, John Eldredge, which you can find at www.orderofman.com/139

Sovereignty: The Battle for the Hearts and Minds of Men by Ryan Michler

SovereigntyNow, I know this one is biased but if I didn’t think my book belonged among the other greats, I can’t image even writing it. It’s not out currently but will be February 1st and, if you head to www.orderofman.com/book, you can sign up to get notified when the pre-order will be available.

Sovereignty explores the idea that many modern men have given up control and power of their own lives in the form of excuses, lies, justifications, and rationalizations. This book is about the battle that is being waged against men and the sabotage we inflict upon ourselves. I cover 13 virtues that will help all men reclaim their Sovereignty and place them on the path to ultimate control and responsibility over their own lives.

Again, if you head to www.orderofman.com/book, you can get notifications when the book is to be released.

So gentlemen, there you have it. My top 5 recommended books for 2018. Of course, I’d encourage you to read a lot more than that but you now have a start. This would be a great list to share with your loved ones if their looking for Christmas ideas.

Overcoming "The Drift"

What exactly is “The Drift?” The Drift is the natural tendency we have as men to coast, and in a way, take our hands off the steering wheel of life and allow ourselves to be controlled and put ourselves at the mercy of all that life offers.

The fact is that there are forces at work against us that keep us from accomplishing what we truly want in life and, unless, we’re actively engaged in the process of intentionally living our lives, it’s very easy for us to get off course.

Today, I’m going to share with you why this happens but, more importantly, 3 measures you can take to ensure you maintain the course you are meant to maintain.

The reason I thought this might be something worthy of talking with you about is because I was in my Scout the other day and I dropped my comb on the ground. I leaned over to pick it up and took my eyes off the road for a split second.

And, in that split second, the drift took over. When I popped my head back up I realized the drift had caused me to veer into the left lane. Fortunately, I made a minor correction and was back on the right side of the road. No one was hurt and I did not run into anything.

But, it got me thinking about how quickly and easily it is for this drift to take over. In my truck, it could have happened for any number of reasons: the alignment in my truck could have been off, I could have hit a small rock in the road, the slope of the road could have been trailing to the left, the wind could have blown me that way, and again, any number of other reasons.

So, how does this apply in life?

How is easy is for you and I to get off course? Pretty easy, right?

First, most of us don’t have any direction in the first place. That being the case, the drift doesn’t really apply because you don’t know what you’re drifting away from.

But, there are other things that happen as well. Distractions from family and friends. Discouragement from those closest to you. The fact that you’re extremely busy as is so even thinking about adding one more thing to your plate causes you to shut down. Even success to a degree can cause drift because you’re content with yourself and you ease up.

Eventually The Drift takes you down a road you were never interested in going down in the first place: a job you hate, a relationship that feels more like living with a roommate than your wife, a lack of connection with your kids, success in certain areas at the expense of what truly matters to you.

These are all symptoms of The Drift.

Which, begs the question, how does one combat the drift?

Three very simple steps I want to share with you.

CLARITY

The first step is clarity. If you don’t know where you want to go, the drift will take hold of you and destroy any chance you had of thriving your marriage, your job, your fitness, and you life.

You have to, at least to some degree, understand what you want in the first place. I know this can be a challenge. It seems to be one of the most frequently asked questions I get – how do I figure out what I want?

Simple, you ask. You ask yourself. You ponder. You give yourself the margin to reflect and think about your life.

And, remember, you don’t have to have it ALL figured out today. Figure out what you can now and refine the focus more as you go. This is not a one-time process. This is a lifelong refining journey.

But to start, I’d recommend focusing on 4 areas: Calibration (which is a focus on your mind and soul), Connection (which is a focus on relationships), Condition (which is a focus on your physical fitness), and Contribution (which is a focus on becoming a man of value in your career or community service).

This isn’t an exhaustive guide to clarity but it will get you started in the right direction.

ACCOUNTABILITY

Now that you have an idea, at least to some degree, of what you want, you need to build in some accountability.

There are two ways to do that: accountability to yourself and accountability to others.

When it comes to being accountable to yourself, create processes and systems that literally allow you to check your progress off each day. I personally use our Battle Planner which you can find at www.orderofman.com/battleplanner but, as long as you have a system for checking your progress, its’ fine.

When it comes to being accountable to others, I recommend building a band of brothers. These are men in your life who have willingly accepted the position of keeping you in check and keeping you on track according to what you said you wanted.

Again, this is not an easy or exhaustive guide to making this work but I will give you a resource at the end of this show to help you tap into a band of brothers. In the meantime, you might be interested in my interview with Stephen Mansfield on the subject.

RECALIBRATE

So now you know what you want, you’ve got some accountability in place for yourself and from others.

Next, you need to be constantly recalibrating. During the course of your day, week, month, and year, you’re going to get off course. It’s inevitable.

So, you need to have a system in place that allows you to recalibrate or adjust along the way.

When you notice yourself getting off track in your relationship, what can you do to adjust?
When you notice yourself losing control of your health, what steps will you implement to get back on track?

This is done through what I and the military (and a lot of first responders) call and after-action review. This is a simple process you go through at the end of every day, engagement, conversation, encounter, and project that will help you identify what you’re doing right, what you’re doing wrong, and what you need to do moving forward. If you want the list of five questions I go through, head to www.orderofman.com/afteractionreview to download those questions.

Remember, the natural tendency we have to drift is natural and inevitable. Allowing The Drift to take us somewhere we don’t want to go doesn’t have to be. Gain clarity, build accountability, and recalibrate along the way and you’ll stay on course.

Dealing with Depression

Depression. It’s very real. It’s very common. It’s very destructive. We all know someone who is going through a bout with depression, and, we might even know someone who has contemplated or attempted suicide.

Suicide rates are on the rise among men. In fact, as I was researching this morning, I found that some studies have shown that suicide rates among men are more than 3.5 times that of women.

I don’t know why that it is and, unfortunately, I cannot get into all the causes that may lead to what a lot of men seem to be experiencing these days but, what I would like to do is give you five strategies I’ve personally used to overcome getting down on myself and falling into a bout with depression.

I do have to tell you this though: I am not a medical professional. I am not a psychologist. I am not a licensed therapist.

All that I’m doing is giving you some strategies that have worked well for me in the past and have worked well for other men who I’ve talked with when facing depression.

If you are listening to this and you are depressed or are considering ending your life, please, please, please talk with a qualified medical professional to help. Whatever you’re going through right now, will not last, but seeking help will certainly speed up the process of getting your life back on the right track. Getting help from others does not make you less of a man. In fact, if anything, it makes you more of a man because you recognize a spot where you need some help and you’re doing all that is required to correct it.

And, on that note, if you see a brother in need, please reach out to him. He may not come straight out and ask you for help but I think we can all agree that the manly thing to do is to offer help, guidance, and assistance. As it says in the Soldier’s Creed, “I will never leave a fallen comrade.”

I know that there are going to be times in our lives where all seems hopeless and all seems lost. I’ve been there. And, while I won’t lie to you and say that I’ve considering suicide myself, I can tell you that I’ve been in some pretty dark places.

This hits home for me. I’ve had a brother-in-law commit suicide and I can’t help but wonder how he got so low that ending his life was the only viable option for him. It still breaks my heart today to think about what he must have been experiencing.

So, in an attempt to help you or someone you know overcome depression, despair, and a sense of feeling lost, I want to share with you five strategies that have helped me through dark times.

BUILD A BAND OF BROTHERS

First and foremost (and I believe this is the number one strategy for overcoming depression), is to surround yourself with a band of brothers.

I think we have a tendency, as men, to think that we have to go at it alone. We don’t. It’s not noble. It’s not virtuous. It’s not honorable. Since the dawn of man, we have been operating in packs and tribes. There’s a reason for that: primarily safety and security. And, although we may not be exposed to the same dangers we were thousands of years ago, we are still in danger.

And, isolation is the surest way to compound that danger.

Gentlemen, build a band of brothers. Even if you don’t feel like you need to now, there will come a point in time where you’ll wish you had a group of strong men to call upon.

If you want to learn more about how to do that head to my interview with Stephen Mansfield.

BECOME ANXIOUSLY ENGAGED

We’ve all heard the term, “idle hands are the Devil’s workshop.” I believe that’s true. I believe that it’s significantly easier for men to face depression when they’re bored or they're wallowing in their own self-pity without a cause to fight for.

John Eldredge, the author of Wild at Heart says, “Deep in his heart, every man longs for a battle to fight, and adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.” Yet, when you look at a lot of men’s lives, they’re living the exact opposite of that.

What is your battle? What is your adventure? What is your beauty to rescue? If you’re not anxiously engaged in meaningful, honorable work, you’re more likely to face despair.

And, I’m not talking about life-altering, earth shattering work here. If you don’t have your grand plan yet, no problem. Just engage in some type of work. I believe it’s hard for a man to feel down when he’s working his mind, body, and soul.

DISENGAGE

The third strategy I want to share with you is the exact opposite of what I just told you. I just asked you to engage and now I’m telling you to disengage.

But, what I’m asking you to disengage from is the thing that might be getting you down in the first place.

Maybe it’s a significant problem and work or at home. Maybe it’s a conversation that you’re having. If you’re like me, you tend to compare yourself to others at times and you need to disengage from that.

I’m not telling you to permanently abandon anything that might upset you but, I would suggest that you disengage for a period to reset your level of thinking.

EXERCISE

This leads me to my next point: exercise. There’s just something about sweating a problem out that really helps me reset my way of thinking. Exercise allows me to clear my head and get back to the task at hand or life in general with a new level of commitment and energy.

Walk your dog, go for a run, go swimming, go golfing, hit the gym, do whatever you can to get your body moving and your blood pumping.

And, this strategy is a good one to couple with your building your band of brothers. I love competition. It drives me. It inspires me. It motivates me. And, if I can find other men to compete with on a healthy level, I get to connect with other guys and I get the exercise my body needs.

MIX THINGS UP

The last point I want to share with you is to mix things up. If you’re feeling down and depressed, it may just be that you’re in a rut. Maybe life has become a little mundane or stagnant.

Maybe your relationship is an autopilot. Maybe you’re not experiencing the growth you thought you would. Maybe life isn’t what you envisioned.

There’s just something about exposing yourself to new experiences and, it doesn’t matter what those experiences are – as long as they’re moral, legal, and ethical.

Go skydiving, pick up a new hobby, go on vacation, start a side business, read a book, splurge on something you’ve always wanted to buy.

The point here is to try something you normally wouldn’t do. This might do the trick in snapping you out of that rut you’ve found yourself in.

Guys, this isn’t an exhaustive list but it’s a start to help you overcome darkness and depression.

Remember, if you’re feeling depressed to any degree, I would suggest that you talk with a qualified medical professional to help and work on the few things that I shared with you today: build a band of brothers, get anxiously engaged in meaningful work, disengage from whatever is getting you down, exercise, and mix things up.

Gentlemen, you’re not alone. You have other men who want to help. Allow them to and you will come out on top.

And, if you see a brother in need, reach out, connect, support, and uplift. That’s why we’re here and that’s part of our job as men.

Join or Die

You’ll notice I called this post, Join or Die. What do I mean by this? I mean that it is critical that you and I, as men, find a way to join other men face-face.

I’m going to talk about why this is so important. I’m going to talk about what to look for in men you want to surround yourself with. And, I’m going to talk about what steps you should take right off the bat to ensure that your surrounding yourself with good men.

I do want to mention that I actually got this topic from some of the guys in our Facebook Group. We’ve got just over 20,000 men in that group now (I think we were at 19,000 on Tuesday so you know it’s growing rapidly).

Alright, let’s talk about this concept of Join or Die.

Before I get too much into this conversation, I do want to quote Rudyard Kipling:

[quote cite='Rudyard Kipling' align='none']"For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack."[/quote]

We’ve talked at length about why it is so critical you learn to take care of yourself first so that you can show up in the manliest way possible for those you care about and those you have a responsibility for but, we haven’t talked much about (besides my interview with Stephen Mansfield) - finding a way to not only learn from others but help support and uplift others as well.

And, as Rudyard Kipling says, the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack.

Somewhere in the last thousands of years men began to believe that they had to have it all figured out, that somehow it was more noble to go at it alone, and that any man who asked for any time of help was less masculine.

And the result of this is that we have a lot of men on this planet wandering around trying to make everyone believe they have it figured out when, in all reality, they’re just as lost, if not more so, than the next guy.

We also have a lot of men who have become complacent. They just go with the motions.

Ask yourself how many men you know who you could describe by saying they wake up and roll out of bed with just enough time to get cleaned up and grab a quick bite before they get into work, do the work that someone else tells them to do for 8+ hours/day, drive home in exhaustion and misery, only to have a thousand chores to do at home, and not enough time to give his wife and children the attention they deserve, only to go to bed with just enough time to get the minimum required sleep to do it all over again the next day?

Maybe I just described you?

If that’s the case, I would suggest that you’ve fallen into a pattern of complacency. And, what is going to make this difficult to break free from is that, not only have you created the pattern, you’ve also erected walls that keep you in the rut you’ve established.

It’s difficult to see the box you’ve created when you’re the one who created the box. It’s like the matrix.

In order to break free from that mediocre complacent life, you’re going to have to get an outside perspective from other men who care about you and want you to succeed.

And this is why I titled this show Join or Die. If you can’t find a way to band and join with other men, you are going to die – maybe not literally but figuratively. I know there’s been times in my life where I’ve felt dead inside because I had no clear direction for my life and no one to tell me what needed to be said to get my ass pointed in the right direction.

I think a lot of you get this because you asked me to address it but I’m assuming that maybe there’s a lot of men out there who don’t know how to do it.

So, let’s break down what to look for and where to find men you can invite into your circle to make your life and their lives better.

First, what to look for:

SUCCESSFUL

The men you look for better be successful in one or more aspects of their lives you’re trying to excel in. If they’re not, you’re not going to get the results you desire. They won’t be able to teach you.

A lot of guys will say something to the effect of, “what about those less fortunate?” I get that and, if you want to serve them, I commend you for that. But, that’s a whole other conversation. Those are not the men you should allow in your pack, in your tribe, in your band of brothers.

Find successful men.

HONEST

Next, look for men who will tell you the truth and are truthful with themselves. You’re not looking for a bunch of “yes-men.” That’s not going to help you improve. You’re not looking for guys who will tell you what you want to hear. You’re looking for men who will tell you what you NEED to hear.

MENTALLY TOUGH

Also, and along those lines, look for men who are mentally tough. You don’t want a crybaby in your circle. You don’t want a complainer. You don’t want a sensitive pansy in your circle because they’re too worried about everyone’s feelings to actually get to what needs to be said and done.

SOMEONE YOU LIKE

And, the last thing I want to cover in what to look for (for the sake of time) is someone you actually like. If you don’t like the person, don’t invite them into your circle of friends. And, you don’t even need to know why you don’t like them. Your gut instinct is a pretty good indicator and, if your gut is telling you something is off, something’s off. Find guys you enjoy being around and this will make your band of brother that much more rewarding.

But one word of caution: you might like the guys but if he doesn’t meet the other criteria I talked about – successful, honest, mentally tough – he doesn’t belong in your tribe.

Now, let’s talk about where to find these guys.

INVENTORY

The first step in identifying men who you want to invite in your circle is to inventory the friends and brothers you already have.

By doing this inventory, you’re going to see very quickly who belongs in your pack and who doesn’t.

If you find men that don’t belongs, simply stop spending time with them. Some guys will say, “I feel bad for leaving them out.” Fine, feel bad. These guys aren’t going to help you and you’re not responsible for them. If you want to make them a charity case, great but DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT allow them into your circle.

Now, the guys you identify from your inventory that you should be spending more time with, ask them to hang out.

I know this gets a little tricky because asking one man to do something together is kind of like going on a date so I would suggest arranging a group get-together: fight night, going to a game, going shooting, hitting the gym or a 5k. Just make sure it’s something done in a group setting because one, it’s not as awkward and two, you’re not obligated to spend the evening with someone who might turn out to be a weird dude.

PLACES YOU KNOW

Secondary to the inventory, look for guys where you already hang out: work, church, boards you serve on, little league, activities you already participate in.

When you find a guy who meets the criteria we already mentioned, invite him to a group outing like we talked about.

Men, this isn’t a difficult concept to grasp here but it is a critical one. I’ll admit, it takes some balls but if you really want to improve your life and make sure you’re not missing your blind spots, this is the exact strategy you’ll employ.

Find men that meet your criteria, invite them to a group outing, find guys that meet your criteria, invite them to a group outing, over and over again.

I’m not going to get into how to develop that relationship even further at this point – we’ll save that for a future post – but for right now, I want you to get into the habit of identifying and inviting, identifying, inviting.

That’s it for now gentlemen, find a band of brothers, build your tribe, remember, “the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack.”

If you want one more additional resources where you can learn even more about how to build your own band of brothers, I want you to know about our live experience, The Uprising. It’s going to be held April 27th-30th in the mountains of Southern Utah and you are going to join 24 other men from all over the nation where you’re going to learn the skills, tools, resources, and guidance to take your life to the next level. And, you’re going to forge relationships that will last a lifetime. In fact, the first twenty men that came to our inaugural Uprising are and will forever be known as the terrible twenty and we still communicate with each other on a weekly basis.

You can learn more and reserve your spot at www.orderofman.com/uprising.

Guys, I’ll look forward to talking with you next week but until then, take action and become the man you were meant to be.

FFN 032: Hold Fast

Hold Fast: It's likely we've heard the term but do we know how it applies to our everyday lives?

Originally the term, “Hold Fast” was used as a nautical term referring to the importance of securing a ship’s rigging especially in bad weather.

The implications of the term, “Hold Fast," are critical in helping us, as men, achieve and show up in meaningful and significant ways in this world.

I know a lot of men right now who are dealing with some serious hurdles in their lives: divorce, bankruptcy, job loss, illness, death in the family, depression, disability, and a thousand other things we’re expected to deal with throughout our lives.

I know what it’s like to deal with these things and, at times in our lives, the only thing we can do is hold fast – hold fast to the idea the we can weather the storm and that at some point (hopefully sooner rather than later) that it will pass and we’ll see brighter days ahead.

There’s a misconception that the men who achieve at high levels in their businesses, or their fitness journeys, or their family lives is that they don’t face challenges.

For example, how many of you have ever, at some point in your life, told yourself that the only reason another person might be wealthy is because it was handed to them. I think we’re all guilty of that.

I say guilty because that thought is wrong. Sure, the are exceptions to the rule but the most financially successful people I know, have worked their tails off, made huge sacrifices, and gotten bruised and bloody on their way to the expansion of their wealth.

Men do not achieve at high-levels due to the absence of trial and adversity but they do it in spite of it – and in many ways, because of it.

To steal a phrase from Ryan Holiday, The Obstacle is the Way. You really ought to read this book if you haven’t already. Ryan and I actually talk a little bit about that concept in our interview which you can find www.orderofman.com/065.

But, how do you hold fast when it seems like everything around you is crumbling?

I want to share a couple tactics I’ve employed when things seem to be going wrong or, at a minimum are stagnant in my life.

Long-Term Vision

The first step in holding on for dear life when everything is crashing down around you is to maintain a long-term vision.

It’s really easy to get caught up in the day to day minuitia that is inevitably going to happen. And, in the moment, losing a customer or getting delayed on a project or having a fight with you wife seems like it might be the end of the world. It’s not. In fact, it may not even matter in the next 24 hours let along.

Someone once asked, as I was going through a difficult time, “Is this even going to matter tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year?”

90% of the problems and challenges we face are flat-out not going to matter so don’t make things worse than they really are.

And, by the way, if you want to research this a bit more, read up on cognitive distortions. Understanding what they are and how they apply to us, has literally changed my life – but that’s for another podcast.

Don’t Compound the Problem

Next, don’t compound the problem. If you find yourself digging a hole, stop digging.

Don’t try to solve problems when you’re in the heat of them. Don’t get emotional about what you’re dealing with right now. I don’t want this to be confused with hiding your emotions – that’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about calming down, regaining your composure, and using your emotions as a tool or barometer to understand what is actually happening.

If you’re arguing with your wife, take a break. If you just lost a customer, don’t alienate other customers. If you just got laid off, don’t yell at everyone you know.

Just stop, breathe, and give yourself some time for some perspective.

Focus on Tactics, not Objectives.

When life gets difficult, stop focusing so much on the end-game. This can be frustrating enough because at the time it may seem unattainable. It’s just to far away so rather than your big dream encouraging you, it actually becomes a discouragement.

In fact, this is why most men don’t hit their objectives. It’s why most people give up on their new year’s resolutions after 30 days at best.

Most men stop at the dreaming part and never really give the execution phase much thought.

So, here’s what you need to do: start identifying what I can tactics that will allow you to reach that objective.

This will put the responsibility in achieveing big things back where it belongs – on your shoulders – and allow you to take charge of the only thing you can control, how you handle the storm.

Gain Momentum

So now you’ve given yourself some space and you’re focused on the tactics you’re going to need to employ to get back on track. But, now, where do you start?

If you’ve got kicked in the teeth, I think it’s safe to say you have lost you momentum. You’ve lost that x-factor and you’re no longer in the zone. When this happens, the best thing you can do to get back to it is to pick the lowest hanging fruit – the easiest task you can complete that will yield the highest results. You don’t need a homerun at this point – you just need to get back on base.

So, of your tactics, look at what is going to be the easiest to implement and is going to produce the biggest results. Do that immediately. Don’t do a lot of planning at this point. Just get the momentum back. When you knock that tactic out of the way, pick the next easiest tactic and compound on the positive rather than the negaitive.

Operate in a Pack

The last thing you need to do is gain some perspective. I’m not going to get into this one too much because I’ve talked about it quite a bit before but you need to operate in a pack. You need to build a band of brothers who can give you some new insights into what is going on in your life.

If you want to know more about this subject, listen to my interview with Stephen Mansfield at www.orderofman.com/076 called building your band of brothers.

I’m also going to be putting together a resource into how to do this so be on the lookout for that in early 2017.

So there you have it men. There are a few key ways to hold fast when everything around you seems to be crumbling down.

I know life has a tendacny of beating us up and kicking us while were down. It certainly has for me, but the thing that separates the winners from the losers is the ability to hold fast, the ability to recognize that are trials are there to build us up, not tear us down, and the ability to turn a weakness into a strength.

Gentlemen, if you haven’t already, I encourage you to check out our elite mastermind because we’re talking about this topic and so much more. In fact, for the month of December we’re talking about finding your path and purpose. It’s called the Iron Council and it’s a group of men, a pack, a tribe of guys, all working together shoulder-to-shoulder to achieve big things.

I hope to see you inside.

Until then an until next week, hold fast and become the man you were meant to be.

 

FFN 023: How to Win Your Wife Back

I titled the name of this podcast, How to Win Your Wife Back, but it’s not just for men who may be going through a separation. It’s for men who are married or who might get married at any time in the future.

In other words, the things that I talk about today are going to apply to every man out there. I’m going to share some real life lessons, some things that I learned the hard way, and shed some light into my darkest days, so that, hopefully, you don’t have to go through the same experiences I did roughly 7 years ago.

Now, I told you I’m not going to get too much into my story but, roughly 7 years ago my wife and I decided to quits.

There was a lot that led up to that event but it finally came to a head one evening and we decided to throw in the towel.

For a long time, I blamed her. Why was she doing this to me? How could she be so disloyal? Why wasn’t she doing the things I thought a good wife should do? Those were the questions going through my mind.

But, somewhere along the way, I realized that maybe it wasn’t her. Maybe it wasn’t her fault. Maybe I was the one who had let her down. Maybe I was disloyal. I never cheated on her but maybe I wasn’t there the way she needed me to be mentally and emotionally. Maybe I brought this upon myself.

And, as I came to these realizations, I began to do something about it.

So, I titled this podcast, How to Win My Wife Back, but the reality is that title is probably a little misleading because there’s nothing you can do to change her.

YOU are the only one you have control over. YOU are the only one who can change. But sometimes, that’s enough. Sometimes it isn’t.

So, whether your wife decides to come back, or not, or you’re still together even, you can do something about you. And that will always serve you well.

Maybe the better title for the podcast would be, How to Change Myself. But, let’s be honest, you wouldn’t have listened to that, right?

The reality is this: when you change yourself, people respond differently.

If you’re wife isn’t responding the way you hoped she would, it has less to do with her and more to do with you and the way you’re behaving.

And, that’s what I want to talk with you about today. How to change yourself…..so that you’re wife responds. And, the things I’m going to share with you apply more to more than just your romantic relationships, they apply to relationships with kids, co-workers, bosses, employees, neighbors, and anyone else you come in contact with.

So, how do you change yourself? How do you do this?

Here’s the conclusion I’ve come to, especially as I began my change 7 years ago. Each of us lives in a box, there are no doors, no windows, and no way to get out. This is a box of delusions. We’ve told ourselves so many things – so many scripts, so many lies, so many delusions.

And, unless you do something about the box you live in, you’ll ALWAYS experience the same results you’ve experienced up to this point. If there’s ONE THING you need to take away from the conversation today, it’s how do I expand my box and how do I let new information into the box.

Let’s get really tactical here. It’s nice to talk about dreams and rainbows and hopes and wishes but unless you know EXACTLY what to do, you’re probably going to do a lot of dreaming and not a whole lot ‘doing.’

Read Books

I cannot overemphasize this enough. You have to start filling this box (your mind) with new information. In fact, I did a post on this a couple of months, 10 Books Every Man Should Read.

But, a couple of really good books specifically on relationships are The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. Start there.

We literally have access to the greatest minds the world has ever seen and you can tap into them for FREE.

I personally read 40-50 books per year and every time I read, I learn something new which expands my box and my level of thinking.

Find a New Group

Invite other people into your world. But, not just anyone. I’m talking about successful people. People who will challenge you. People who will push you. People who will expand your way of thinking. If you want a great resource on this, go listen to my podcast interview with Stephen Mansfield on Building Your Band of Brothers.

This is paramount you guys. This strategy alone has the power to catapult you out of your current reality into the stratosphere.

If you’re struggling with your business, find successful business owners.

If you’re struggling with you weight, find fitness and nutrition coaches.

If you’re struggling as a father and husband, find me who are getting it right.

Get out there and find the people that have it figured out.

Get Right With Yourself

A lot of the baggage we carry around has to with the way we think about the world and how we interact with it. We take our thought process and we project it out into the world and we wonder why people aren’t responding the way we would like them to.

A couple of very specific areas you should focus on:

Health – What are you doing to and for your body? What food are you putting into this machine? What muscles are you exercising?

Wealth – How do your finances look? Money is one of the biggest drivers of arguments in a relationship. Are you tracking your money? Are you looking for new ways to make extra money? Are you spending less or more than you earn? Get this stuff under control

Self/Spirituality – I’m not necessarily talking about religion. I’m talking about the spirit and mind. Are you meditating? Are you participating in hobbies and activities that are engaging to you? If not, you’ve got to carve out time.

Look guys, I know this stuff sounds simple the best answers usually are. So, if you’re struggling in your marriage. If you’re going through a separation. If you’re going through a divorce, you need to focus less attention on her and more attention on you.

I know that sounds counterintuitive but when you change, the way she responds to you will change.

Try this stuff for a day, a week, a month, and see where this leads you.

At the end of the day, the women in our lives are looking for leaders. They’re looking for assertiveness. They’re looking for men with energy, passion, drive, and motivation. Odds are you have limited amounts of that left. The world may have beat you up with financial problems, health problems, divorce, job loss, illness and injury. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet. And, when you do, she will respond.

I hope that helps to some degree men. I hope that you’re able to save your marriage. Stop blaming her. Stop focusing on her. Start blaming yourself. Start taking care of yourself. Start doing what you need to do. And start living as the man you were meant to be.