You’ll notice I called this post, Join or Die. What do I mean by this? I mean that it is critical that you and I, as men, find a way to join other men face-face.
I’m going to talk about why this is so important. I’m going to talk about what to look for in men you want to surround yourself with. And, I’m going to talk about what steps you should take right off the bat to ensure that your surrounding yourself with good men.
I do want to mention that I actually got this topic from some of the guys in our Facebook Group. We’ve got just over 20,000 men in that group now (I think we were at 19,000 on Tuesday so you know it’s growing rapidly).
Alright, let’s talk about this concept of Join or Die.
Before I get too much into this conversation, I do want to quote Rudyard Kipling:
“For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack.”— Rudyard Kipling
We’ve talked at length about why it is so critical you learn to take care of yourself first so that you can show up in the manliest way possible for those you care about and those you have a responsibility for but, we haven’t talked much about (besides my interview with Stephen Mansfield) – finding a way to not only learn from others but help support and uplift others as well.
And, as Rudyard Kipling says, the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack.
Somewhere in the last thousands of years men began to believe that they had to have it all figured out, that somehow it was more noble to go at it alone, and that any man who asked for any time of help was less masculine.
And the result of this is that we have a lot of men on this planet wandering around trying to make everyone believe they have it figured out when, in all reality, they’re just as lost, if not more so, than the next guy.
We also have a lot of men who have become complacent. They just go with the motions.
Ask yourself how many men you know who you could describe by saying they wake up and roll out of bed with just enough time to get cleaned up and grab a quick bite before they get into work, do the work that someone else tells them to do for 8+ hours/day, drive home in exhaustion and misery, only to have a thousand chores to do at home, and not enough time to give his wife and children the attention they deserve, only to go to bed with just enough time to get the minimum required sleep to do it all over again the next day?
Maybe I just described you?
If that’s the case, I would suggest that you’ve fallen into a pattern of complacency. And, what is going to make this difficult to break free from is that, not only have you created the pattern, you’ve also erected walls that keep you in the rut you’ve established.
It’s difficult to see the box you’ve created when you’re the one who created the box. It’s like the matrix.
In order to break free from that mediocre complacent life, you’re going to have to get an outside perspective from other men who care about you and want you to succeed.
And this is why I titled this show Join or Die. If you can’t find a way to band and join with other men, you are going to die – maybe not literally but figuratively. I know there’s been times in my life where I’ve felt dead inside because I had no clear direction for my life and no one to tell me what needed to be said to get my ass pointed in the right direction.
I think a lot of you get this because you asked me to address it but I’m assuming that maybe there’s a lot of men out there who don’t know how to do it.
So, let’s break down what to look for and where to find men you can invite into your circle to make your life and their lives better.
First, what to look for:
The men you look for better be successful in one or more aspects of their lives you’re trying to excel in. If they’re not, you’re not going to get the results you desire. They won’t be able to teach you.
A lot of guys will say something to the effect of, “what about those less fortunate?” I get that and, if you want to serve them, I commend you for that. But, that’s a whole other conversation. Those are not the men you should allow in your pack, in your tribe, in your band of brothers.
Find successful men.
Next, look for men who will tell you the truth and are truthful with themselves. You’re not looking for a bunch of “yes-men.” That’s not going to help you improve. You’re not looking for guys who will tell you what you want to hear. You’re looking for men who will tell you what you NEED to hear.
Also, and along those lines, look for men who are mentally tough. You don’t want a crybaby in your circle. You don’t want a complainer. You don’t want a sensitive pansy in your circle because they’re too worried about everyone’s feelings to actually get to what needs to be said and done.
SOMEONE YOU LIKE
And, the last thing I want to cover in what to look for (for the sake of time) is someone you actually like. If you don’t like the person, don’t invite them into your circle of friends. And, you don’t even need to know why you don’t like them. Your gut instinct is a pretty good indicator and, if your gut is telling you something is off, something’s off. Find guys you enjoy being around and this will make your band of brother that much more rewarding.
But one word of caution: you might like the guys but if he doesn’t meet the other criteria I talked about – successful, honest, mentally tough – he doesn’t belong in your tribe.
Now, let’s talk about where to find these guys.
The first step in identifying men who you want to invite in your circle is to inventory the friends and brothers you already have.
By doing this inventory, you’re going to see very quickly who belongs in your pack and who doesn’t.
If you find men that don’t belongs, simply stop spending time with them. Some guys will say, “I feel bad for leaving them out.” Fine, feel bad. These guys aren’t going to help you and you’re not responsible for them. If you want to make them a charity case, great but DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT allow them into your circle.
Now, the guys you identify from your inventory that you should be spending more time with, ask them to hang out.
I know this gets a little tricky because asking one man to do something together is kind of like going on a date so I would suggest arranging a group get-together: fight night, going to a game, going shooting, hitting the gym or a 5k. Just make sure it’s something done in a group setting because one, it’s not as awkward and two, you’re not obligated to spend the evening with someone who might turn out to be a weird dude.
PLACES YOU KNOW
Secondary to the inventory, look for guys where you already hang out: work, church, boards you serve on, little league, activities you already participate in.
When you find a guy who meets the criteria we already mentioned, invite him to a group outing like we talked about.
Men, this isn’t a difficult concept to grasp here but it is a critical one. I’ll admit, it takes some balls but if you really want to improve your life and make sure you’re not missing your blind spots, this is the exact strategy you’ll employ.
Find men that meet your criteria, invite them to a group outing, find guys that meet your criteria, invite them to a group outing, over and over again.
I’m not going to get into how to develop that relationship even further at this point – we’ll save that for a future post – but for right now, I want you to get into the habit of identifying and inviting, identifying, inviting.
That’s it for now gentlemen, find a band of brothers, build your tribe, remember, “the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack.”
If you want one more additional resources where you can learn even more about how to build your own band of brothers, I want you to know about our live experience, The Uprising. It’s going to be held April 27th-30th in the mountains of Southern Utah and you are going to join 24 other men from all over the nation where you’re going to learn the skills, tools, resources, and guidance to take your life to the next level. And, you’re going to forge relationships that will last a lifetime. In fact, the first twenty men that came to our inaugural Uprising are and will forever be known as the terrible twenty and we still communicate with each other on a weekly basis.
You can learn more and reserve your spot at www.orderofman.com/uprising.
Guys, I’ll look forward to talking with you next week but until then, take action and become the man you were meant to be.