The union between a man and his wife is one of the most powerful and impactful relationships any man can engage in. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the most challenging. Any time you get two people together with their own experiences, beliefs, and backgrounds, it can lead to some real challenges. But those challenges are well worth the effort.
So much good comes from having a strong, virtuous, noble, independent, beautiful woman at your side. And, as with anything, if it’s worth having, it’s worth fighting for. So, today, I want to share 2o tips that, despite the challenges that come with marriage, will help you win with your wife.
1: DON’T MARRY A CRAZY WOMAN
I made this the first lesson because you think it would go without saying. If you ignore the red flags you see in a potential partner, you do so at your own risk. The truth is that if there are red flags now, while you’re dating, those problems are only going to get worse, not better.
I realize that you may be in love with this woman. I realize that she may be wonderful in a lot of ways. Maybe you’ve decided to stay with her simply because she’s attractive and/or the sex is good. All of those are justifications and simply aren’t enough to keep you in a relationship with a woman who has some serious issues she needs to address before you take the plunge.
A lot of men will say, “All women are crazy.” That just isn’t true. All women are different and difficult to understand at times but there’s a huge difference between crazy and hard to understand.
2: ONCE YOU’RE MARRIED, CONTINUE TO DATE YOUR WIFE
Too many men stop dating their wife once they’re married. I understand. Life gets busy. We get jobs. We have children. Our responsibilities pile up. But if you avoid courting your wife after you’re married, you are neglecting the person who has the potential to be the greatest positive impact on your life. Never get so busy that you can’t take your wife out and treat her the way you did when you were attempting to win her over.
3: KEEP THE SPARK ALIVE BY BEING SPONTANEOUS WITH HER
It’s so easy to fall into a rut. It’s so easy to take her for granted. If you have any hope of making your marriage work, you have to keep the spark alive by surprising her in ways she doesn’t expect.
I hear from a lot of men who tell me that their wife says, “The spark is gone” or, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” I think a lot of this stems from a lack of adventure, excitement, and romanticism in the relationship.
Take your wife on dates. Go a mini-vacations. Take an adventure with her. Buy her flowers just because. Do whatever you can to surprise her in positive ways and keep the spark from extinguishing.
4: DON’T DITCH YOUR FRIENDS FOR HER
It’s tempting to forsake your friends for her. You want to spend all your time with her, of course. But if you can’t maintain healthy relationships with your buddies, you lose an extremely powerful outlet that she’ll never be able to fully provide.
There are certain things that she, as a woman, will never understand about your life. That’s not to say you should keep things from her but there are times when you need the voice of other men in your life. Having male friends is just as crucial as having her in your life.
5: FIND A HOBBY SHE ISN’T PART OF
It’s okay to do things just for you. In fact, it’s encouraged. This tip is similar to tip #4. You need to have time apart. If all your waking hours are spent with and revolving around her, you’ll both go crazy.
I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t have hobbies, activities, and interests you and your wife do together but I am suggesting that you reserve some just for you, and the guys if you feel so inclined.
6: ENCOURAGE HER TO FIND A HOBBY YOU’RE NOT PART OF
Just as you need time for yourself, so does she. Don’t make her feel guilty or bad for going out and doing things that uplift her. If you can’t learn to let her be her own woman, she won’t be as powerful in the relationship for and with you.
She needs time to herself so she can re-energize and come back into the relationship with more energy, enthusiasm, and exciting. It’s as the adage goes, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
7: DON’T GET FAT
It’s easy to let yourself go, especially after you’re married. With all the demands for your time, attention, and energy, sometimes something has to give. Too many men allow this to be their health.
Bottom line: if you’re fat and out of shape, you do not have the same capacity to engage with her that you would if you were in better shape. Get into the gym, eat the right foods, get the proper amount and right type of sleep. When you learn to take care of yourself, you’ll have more energy to give to here and you’ll be more attractive – physically, mentally, and emotionally.
8: TALK WITH HER ABOUT REAL SHIT EVERYDAY
It’s so easy to get inundated with the trivial bullshit of the day. If all you ever talk about is how many diapers had to be changed, what the weather looks like next week, and the new coaches you want to buy, is it really any wonder you don’t have a strong intimate connection with her?
Talk about eternity. Talk about the cosmos. Talk about the future and what it holds. Talk with her about your inner secrets you don’t share. Open yourself up to her. Allow her to open up to you. Do that, and you will forge a connection that cannot be replicated any other way.
9: DON’T LET YOUR KIDS GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Your children are important. But your wife is more important. You were with her first and you’ll be with her long after your children on raised and gone. And, besides, can you really serve your children if you and your wife don’t have the best relationship possible?
Set boundaries for your children. Don’t let them step over your conversations with her. Put them to bed at a decent hour so you and your wife have quiet time with each other. Not only is it good for you and your wife, it’s good for you children. One of the most powerful lessons you can teach your sons and daughters is how a man shows up for his wife. Do it.
10: REMIND HER HOW IMPORTANT SHE IS DAILY
You may think you know she knows how you feel about her (say that 10 times fast). But does she really know? Unless you show her, she doesn’t. Find a way to remind her daily. Leave her notes. Buy her flowers. Slap her on the ass when you walk by. Give her a kiss on the cheek. Hold her hand. Use your words. It’s not enough to know how you feel. You have to express it in a way that is meaningful to her.
11: HAVE SEX WITH HER OFTEN
It’s been proven (as if we needed a study) that partners that have more sex have a deeper and more significant relationship with each other. Have sex with her often – romantic, wild, soft, dirty, and every other way you two can imagine. What more can be said here other than be a man she wants to be physically intimate with and have fun like it was when you two were just getting to know each other.
12: BE A WINNER IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE
Be a winner with her. Be a winner with your income. Be a winner at work. Be a winner with your body. Be a winner with your bank account. In every single way possible, find a way to win. Women want to be with winners. Women don’t want to be with losers. You might think that’s unfair but you cannot reprogram tens of thousands of years of biological programming where women want to be with winners. If you’re a loser, you’re less likely to be able to salvage and maintain that marriage.
Guys, I was a loser. I was a loser. I was pathetic. I wasn’t winning my business. I wasn’t winning with my diet. I wasn’t winning with her. I wasn’t winning with my children. I was doing absolutely everything wrong. Is it any wonder that my marriage was falling apart? Do you want to win with her? Then win.
13: DON’T COMPLAIN TO HER AS OFTEN AS YOU ARE
Your wife isn’t a sounding board for everything that is going on in your life. Some things don’t need to be complained about. If all you ever do is complain about how hard life is, how mean your boss is, office politics, etc., etc., etc., how do you think she’s going to view you? Like a loser.
I’m not saying you can’t talk with her about the problems you’re dealing with but be solution oriented. If you can’t come up with solutions to your problems, what good are you to have around? You’re not. So, stop complaining and start doing.
14: BE STRONG AND CAPABLE, NOT WEAK AND PATHETIC
Be strong and capable in every way possible – physically, mentally, and emotionally. Women are the fairer sex. You are designed to be the bedrock of your relationship. What you and your wife build together will be determined on the foundation you become. If you’re weak and pathetic, the relationship will be weak and pathetic.
Strengthen the mind and body. Learn how to do things around the house. Be useful. The alternative is to be useless and no one keeps those who are useless around for very long.
15: HAVE A STRONG VISION AND ARTICULATE IT TO HER
Leaders have vision. If they don’t, they can’t lead. You have to have a vision of the future and articulate it to her in a way she believes in. If you can’t, she simply won’t follow you – there’s nothing to follow.
Spend time thinking about what you want your life to look like. Enlist her in the vision and ask for her support. Be someone worth following. If you’re struggling in your day-to-day tasks, failing around like a crazy person, she’s going to recognize that and walk. Why wouldn’t she? Know what you want. Let her know what it is. Make it happen.
16: INCLUDE HER IN THE DECISION-MAKING PROCESS
The decisions that you’re going to making in your life and marriage and going to impact her. Don’t you think you ought to include her on that process. I know many men who make bold, assertive decisions without including their wives in the process. What a shame. She isn’t your slave. She isn’t going to follow you down a path she doesn’t believe in. You aren’t the supreme leader you might think you are.
Include her in the process of making decisions on behalf of your family. She has to live with the results of those decisionss too. And, she’ll likely give you a perspective you haven’t yet considered. Two heads are better than one. Don’t make decisions on your won.
17: BE A MAN OF YOUR WORD
Don’t lie to her. Don’t cheat on her. Don’t short her. When you say you’re going to do something, whether it’s taking out the trash, doing a project around the house, or honoring your marital vows, do it. Be a man of your word. Be honorable. Be a man of character and integrity. And, if you mess up, fix it quickly. Nothing more needs to be said here.
18: FOCUS ON YOUR FAMILY AS MUCH AS YOU DO YOUR BUSINESS
It’s easy to get consumed with work. And, it’s noble. You have a job to do and a famiy to provide for. But if that comes at the expense of the relationship with you wife, you’re doing yourself and her a huge disservice.
It bothers me when I hear so many self-help “gurus” talk about the hustle and grind of business but completely overlook the fact that you should be hustling and grinding at home as much as you are at the office.
Establish some boundaries and find a way to let your work stay at work so that you can fully engage with the people who you’re working for in the first place. I can’t imagine there are any men who, on their deathbed, would wish they would have worked more. Don’t fall into the trap of placing your business before your marriage.
19: MAKE HER PROUD SHE CHOSE TO BE WITH YOU
Your wife chose to be with you for a reason. Maybe she saw something you didn’t even see in yourself. Prove her right. When she talks about you, she should do with with a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye. If that’s not happening, perhaps you’re not reaching the measure of the man you’re capable of becoming.
The truth is we all have room for improvement. I believe any reasonable woman knows this. It isn’t about being perfect, it’s about getting better every single day – for her, and for yourself.
Do the things a good man does. Be a good man. Be good at being a man. When you do, she will be honored she has the opportunity to be by your side.
20: BE A MAN (PROTECT, PROVIDE, PRESIDE)
Your job, as a man is to protect, provide, and preside over yourself and the people you care about. Make sure you’re doing everything you can to fulfill those responsibilities more fully. Your measure as a man isn’t simply your capacity, it’s your capacity and the fulfillment of that capacity that makes you who you are. You’ve got a job to do. As Marcus Aurelieus says, “Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.”
BONUS: DO NOT MAKE HER THE CENTER OF YOUR UNIVERSE
I know this may sound somewhat counterintuitive but if you want to win with your wife, you cannot make your world revolve around her. The fact of the matter is that you cannot control outside factors and if everything you do and everything you are is centered on her, you’re going to find yourself in a bad way when that changes, and it might.
Find a way to energize yourself. Find a way to stand on your own two feet without having to rely on her. Too many men ask their wives to provide way too much support to them and get upset when she (like any other human would) falters.
If you want to be the man for her, learn to be the man without her.
As you’ve gone through these tips, please understand that even if you execute flawlessly, relationships aren’t always going to work out. They aren’t always meant to be. That’s unfortunate but that’s the reality. But I can guarantee that if you implement every single one of these things in your life, every single day that things will work out. Not necessarily things with her but your life will work out.
I realize, like you, that it takes two in a relationship. It isn’t a one-way street. But, remember, there isn’t a thing you can do to change her. You can influence her but you can’t change her. And, the way you create maximum opportunities to influence her is by becoming more influential – by changing and improving who you are and how you show up. When you do, life (including your marriage) has a way of working itself out.